LIFE in general.

I've been bounced around emotionally a bit lately. Anyone remember that surgery I had back in september that was no big deal? Well I had that done because the biopsy showed that I had a buildup in the lining of my uterus and polyps that needed to be removed. 6 months later I get this call out of the blue from the nurse who says the Gyno wants me back in for a follow up biopsy. Okay - done. Things looked better that day but they were concerned that my "symptoms" hadn't changed with the god awful horrid med they put me on. Greg and I suspect that the polyps were not removed. Some things were said prior to surgery about how they were running behind, the recovery nurse questioned why I hadn't been cleaned and the Dr. told Greg he didn't get it all but "got enough" whatever that means. I was in surgery a total of 15 mins which is how long it takes to do part one of what I went there for. So here's the 2nd biopsy results. The dr calls all 3 of my phones - I'd left my desk for 5 min. and missed the call. DAMN! I call back 6 min after he left a message - waited 45 min for a return call and called again - he had turned the phones over to the ER line and had left for vacation. I call the next day and some nurse reads off the paper - I have precancerous cells and an appointment has been made at the Cancer Clinic (not at the hospital I'm dealing with either but one of the major ones) I complain that the appointment was made w/o my knowledge and doesn't fit my schedule (I'm in denial, I know) Nurse says "YOU CAN NOT WAIT - You MUST KEEP THIS APPOINTMENT). Oh god, I'm dying of cancer. This message hung with me for a week until the appointment. We get up really really early... haul ourselves through horrible Kansas City traffic, every exit we need is blocked or detoured. Totally lost on some back streets and the VERY KIND nurse stays on the phone with us until we pull into the parking structure. It was a good 20 mins. I was late to my appointment, scribbled through the background paperwork and AM sweating like crazy about WHY I'm sitting in a place labeled Gynocological Oncology if i'm only showing precancerous cells? I'd done some research in my paniky week and determined that most gynocologists deal with this stage in the local practice and that referals on are usually not done so soon. So I'd been told that I was there to just talk to the Specialist and that no exams or test were going to be done. I didn't take the time to do all the prepping I would normally due for one of THESE exams. I'd been ASSURED that's not what was taking place. I'm not in the room for more than 3 min. when they plop down the dreaded tissue sheet and gown that never covers ANYTHING on a large woman. In walks a tall skinny woman and a man who I still wonder if he speaks english (non judgementally-he litterally said nothing the whole time). She tells me they have not had a chance to get the review on the pathology report from their people. She goes on to show me what she'd like to cut out of me (everything) based on my risk. If I choose to wait she's going to put me on a higher dose of the dreaded god awful meds on a constant everyday dose and make me work closely with a fertility guy whose going to cost me a ton of money for something that didn't feel likely to happen. So I took a moment and looked at Greg and said I want surgery = he didn't look like he was ready and we both teared up at what we were having to face. Dr. said take some time to think it over and call back when decided. So we talked, and cried and called our families and tried to decide what we were risking each way. The pathology review was expected Friday = no call from the cancer clinic. I'm talking to my boss about potential time off for a full hysterectomy and we are about to start interviewing for my co-worker - depending on who is hired, will determine how much time I need to train them, and when I can schedule the time off. SO I put off doing anything until after the interviews on tuesday afternoon. We hire someone who already is trained! So I litterally leave the interview room, walk back to my desk and call the clinic. ALL are out of the office. DAMN. So I call the next morning from home, leaving a message that I'm ready to schedule surgery and oh by the way, what was determined in that pathology review? I'm in another town, waiting for clients to show for their appointments and the nurse from the cancer clinic calls. She says she got my message and the pathology report review showed no cancerous or precancerous cells. I'm dumbfounded. Tears are streaming down my face and I pray no clients arrive soon. It's been two weeks of emotional hell, I haven't slept right in days and usually not without a sleep aid and pure exhaustion. I've not done anything constructive at home or work. I've strained every relationship I've got with this overwhelming news and they were WRONG? I wanted to feel relief but I'm just so ANGRY. And then she breaks into my spiralling thoughts with "BUT the Dr. wants you to come in to talk about your options." WHAT? What the hell does that mean, my options? Why would there need to be options if there's no cancer? Okay, finally it dawns on me = things still arn't right. Some things are changing in there or there wouldn't have been these odd cells to begin with, right? But what does all this mean? is there a greater meaning? Is this fate saying = this is your final chance - you must persue fertility? is this just a fluke and what they are really saying is that it's not cancer yet but it's headed there? Why can't they just be clear over the phone? Why do they have to drag it out like this? Now I have to wait for another appointment, another trek through KC traffic and road construction to listen to her tell me things I don't want to hear and circle more pictures of feminine parts. I'm sure I'll be sent to yet another Dr. who only wants to give their opinion and won't listen to mine or what I've spent the last 16 years dealing with regarding the PCOS. They become condesending, look at me with that smirk when I state my personal facts like thier medical training alone overrides my own knowledge about MY BODY. I made the mistake once of taking in research studies on PCOS to show them that the common most accepted treatment was exactly what I was asking for. The intern was excited and took my papers. The Dr. took them from her and trashed them. I didn't get the meds. It was another 3 years before I got someone to prescribe them. The condition was becoming more mainstream and new Dr. had a family member with the condition. I've never been successfull at getting the fertility meds. None want to take that kind of risk. Even the fertility specialist we saw 4 yrs ago on my last visit said "when you get tired of dealing with all of this, we'll do a hysterectomy" I never went back - why should I if he's already talking about ending something I've not even started? So we've had delays in medical treatment, prolonged financial distress (who doesn't?) and ongoing emotional longing for some sort of path or resolution. Last week - I thought this was it. We had a very good long talk about how we'd never really made great effort at having children. That we were both comfortable where we were and that perhaps we are just supposed to be childless or if we chose we could look into adoption. We always have our furry babies as cats keep adopting us. I think I take some pride in being the crazy cat lady. Now here I am again, nearly 4am with no ability to sleep for long periods, back to crazy dreams that wake me, and worry upon worry that is always with me in the room like the mythical pink elephant. I've scheduled a meeting with my local regualar physician. I'm refusing to even speak to the gynocologist and will meet again with the cancer clinic to see what they have to say. I no longer have ANY idea what it is that I want, Greg I'm sure is just tired of talking about it all. I don't feel like I can move forward with anything. Dishes are staking up, I've got a cobweb in the ceiling beams I'm thinking about setting a plant on, I've not sewn and have a quilt due soon for a charity project. I wish I lived near the ocean. I imagine some peace on a quiet and cool early morning beach just watching the waves roll in. Maybe add a light storm on the horizon - one that will never quite reach the shore but is spectacular to watch. Anything really. I just want to escape.