LIFE in general.

I've been bounced around emotionally a bit lately. Anyone remember that surgery I had back in september that was no big deal? Well I had that done because the biopsy showed that I had a buildup in the lining of my uterus and polyps that needed to be removed. 6 months later I get this call out of the blue from the nurse who says the Gyno wants me back in for a follow up biopsy. Okay - done. Things looked better that day but they were concerned that my "symptoms" hadn't changed with the god awful horrid med they put me on. Greg and I suspect that the polyps were not removed. Some things were said prior to surgery about how they were running behind, the recovery nurse questioned why I hadn't been cleaned and the Dr. told Greg he didn't get it all but "got enough" whatever that means. I was in surgery a total of 15 mins which is how long it takes to do part one of what I went there for. So here's the 2nd biopsy results. The dr calls all 3 of my phones - I'd left my desk for 5 min. and missed the call. DAMN! I call back 6 min after he left a message - waited 45 min for a return call and called again - he had turned the phones over to the ER line and had left for vacation. I call the next day and some nurse reads off the paper - I have precancerous cells and an appointment has been made at the Cancer Clinic (not at the hospital I'm dealing with either but one of the major ones) I complain that the appointment was made w/o my knowledge and doesn't fit my schedule (I'm in denial, I know) Nurse says "YOU CAN NOT WAIT - You MUST KEEP THIS APPOINTMENT). Oh god, I'm dying of cancer. This message hung with me for a week until the appointment. We get up really really early... haul ourselves through horrible Kansas City traffic, every exit we need is blocked or detoured. Totally lost on some back streets and the VERY KIND nurse stays on the phone with us until we pull into the parking structure. It was a good 20 mins. I was late to my appointment, scribbled through the background paperwork and AM sweating like crazy about WHY I'm sitting in a place labeled Gynocological Oncology if i'm only showing precancerous cells? I'd done some research in my paniky week and determined that most gynocologists deal with this stage in the local practice and that referals on are usually not done so soon. So I'd been told that I was there to just talk to the Specialist and that no exams or test were going to be done. I didn't take the time to do all the prepping I would normally due for one of THESE exams. I'd been ASSURED that's not what was taking place. I'm not in the room for more than 3 min. when they plop down the dreaded tissue sheet and gown that never covers ANYTHING on a large woman. In walks a tall skinny woman and a man who I still wonder if he speaks english (non judgementally-he litterally said nothing the whole time). She tells me they have not had a chance to get the review on the pathology report from their people. She goes on to show me what she'd like to cut out of me (everything) based on my risk. If I choose to wait she's going to put me on a higher dose of the dreaded god awful meds on a constant everyday dose and make me work closely with a fertility guy whose going to cost me a ton of money for something that didn't feel likely to happen. So I took a moment and looked at Greg and said I want surgery = he didn't look like he was ready and we both teared up at what we were having to face. Dr. said take some time to think it over and call back when decided. So we talked, and cried and called our families and tried to decide what we were risking each way. The pathology review was expected Friday = no call from the cancer clinic. I'm talking to my boss about potential time off for a full hysterectomy and we are about to start interviewing for my co-worker - depending on who is hired, will determine how much time I need to train them, and when I can schedule the time off. SO I put off doing anything until after the interviews on tuesday afternoon. We hire someone who already is trained! So I litterally leave the interview room, walk back to my desk and call the clinic. ALL are out of the office. DAMN. So I call the next morning from home, leaving a message that I'm ready to schedule surgery and oh by the way, what was determined in that pathology review? I'm in another town, waiting for clients to show for their appointments and the nurse from the cancer clinic calls. She says she got my message and the pathology report review showed no cancerous or precancerous cells. I'm dumbfounded. Tears are streaming down my face and I pray no clients arrive soon. It's been two weeks of emotional hell, I haven't slept right in days and usually not without a sleep aid and pure exhaustion. I've not done anything constructive at home or work. I've strained every relationship I've got with this overwhelming news and they were WRONG? I wanted to feel relief but I'm just so ANGRY. And then she breaks into my spiralling thoughts with "BUT the Dr. wants you to come in to talk about your options." WHAT? What the hell does that mean, my options? Why would there need to be options if there's no cancer? Okay, finally it dawns on me = things still arn't right. Some things are changing in there or there wouldn't have been these odd cells to begin with, right? But what does all this mean? is there a greater meaning? Is this fate saying = this is your final chance - you must persue fertility? is this just a fluke and what they are really saying is that it's not cancer yet but it's headed there? Why can't they just be clear over the phone? Why do they have to drag it out like this? Now I have to wait for another appointment, another trek through KC traffic and road construction to listen to her tell me things I don't want to hear and circle more pictures of feminine parts. I'm sure I'll be sent to yet another Dr. who only wants to give their opinion and won't listen to mine or what I've spent the last 16 years dealing with regarding the PCOS. They become condesending, look at me with that smirk when I state my personal facts like thier medical training alone overrides my own knowledge about MY BODY. I made the mistake once of taking in research studies on PCOS to show them that the common most accepted treatment was exactly what I was asking for. The intern was excited and took my papers. The Dr. took them from her and trashed them. I didn't get the meds. It was another 3 years before I got someone to prescribe them. The condition was becoming more mainstream and new Dr. had a family member with the condition. I've never been successfull at getting the fertility meds. None want to take that kind of risk. Even the fertility specialist we saw 4 yrs ago on my last visit said "when you get tired of dealing with all of this, we'll do a hysterectomy" I never went back - why should I if he's already talking about ending something I've not even started? So we've had delays in medical treatment, prolonged financial distress (who doesn't?) and ongoing emotional longing for some sort of path or resolution. Last week - I thought this was it. We had a very good long talk about how we'd never really made great effort at having children. That we were both comfortable where we were and that perhaps we are just supposed to be childless or if we chose we could look into adoption. We always have our furry babies as cats keep adopting us. I think I take some pride in being the crazy cat lady. Now here I am again, nearly 4am with no ability to sleep for long periods, back to crazy dreams that wake me, and worry upon worry that is always with me in the room like the mythical pink elephant. I've scheduled a meeting with my local regualar physician. I'm refusing to even speak to the gynocologist and will meet again with the cancer clinic to see what they have to say. I no longer have ANY idea what it is that I want, Greg I'm sure is just tired of talking about it all. I don't feel like I can move forward with anything. Dishes are staking up, I've got a cobweb in the ceiling beams I'm thinking about setting a plant on, I've not sewn and have a quilt due soon for a charity project. I wish I lived near the ocean. I imagine some peace on a quiet and cool early morning beach just watching the waves roll in. Maybe add a light storm on the horizon - one that will never quite reach the shore but is spectacular to watch. Anything really. I just want to escape.

COLORS

Do you know how many variations of TEAL there are? And each shop defines it differently from a greenish to a deep electric blue. It's enough to make you crazy mad! I'm not even going to get into the request for the "Chocolate" brown... seriously - are we talking about milk chocolate? Dark Chocolate? Cocoa percentage would've been helpful. How about naming your favorite candy bar? I'd like the butterfinger brown please. Oh and a snickers if you have it. How about that Zero bar over there?

A little late - update

Howdy! Remember all my excitement last month about the shop hop I was going to go on? Well I'm finally getting around to posting about the experience. I'd taken 2 days off of work and we had 11 shops to stop in at. I had this all planned out for 2 easy drives with plenty of look around time. SO - off we went the first day to the shops actually in KANSAS City. We get lost going to the first shop and totally throws us off the maps I've printed. So we relied on directions from shop to shop and ended up doing the whole thing in 12 hours. Our last stop was in Topeka and I've been to the Capital for conferences enough that I knew how to get home from there. I'm really thinking I may have to invest in one of those navigator GPS things if we do more shop hops in the future! I was really excited about this whole experience because last years participants had such a good time and came home with a ton of prizes and freebies. Well, there was nothing free this year. One shop was even charging for soda's and snacks. There were no in store drawings. Just a line to drop in your name, collect your pattern, and get your charm. I'll probably only return to 2 of the shops and only purchased items from 3. It was fun to have the adventure with Greg though. I made our own memory blocks from the kits they were selling.

MINE

One shop was selling these quilt labels for the back of the special fabric quilt so I built my block of of it.

The music batik is the speciality fabric for this shop hop. I noted that we drove 300 miles in 12 hours (that includes lunch)

to make it to all 11 shops.

Greg's:

Greg started this sewing machine block for another purpose then abandoned it when it measured only 4 inches high not the 4.5 he was going for. (picky picky). So I snatched it up to make his block. I added the phrase "Men Quilt Too"because this seems to be his theme this year. I'm not saying he's not had reason to be sensitive to this... but we've met a number of male quilters at each shop .. maybe Greg just doesn't "Look" like he quilts.?? Anyway, the block isn't really that wonky. I had issues getting it into the frame. I should have glued it to the board... and lets just leave it at I went with a less effective method that had I really thought it out wouldn't have attempted it. He also has a safety pin marking the spot that the charm he's misplaced goes.

I'm OUTRAGED!

The Kansas City Modern Quilt Guild has proven themselves to be both elitist and discriminatory.

Greg has been a virtual member online for a short period. Never has he been told that he must attend meetings or pay dues. Two projects have recently come up which he'd accepted the challenge of doing. He replied that he'd be at the next meeting and would be attending during this VIRTUAL QUILTING BEE. Tonight he recieved a note that he would no longer be welcome to participate because those at who attended a sew day this weekend felt the activity should be restricted to those #1 living within the Kansas City Area - we are an hour north but still considered w/in that region. #2 or limited to PAID members. They have members clear to OMAHA - so why are they excluding Greg particularly when he was willing to both attend and pay his dues if asked?? He is one of only 3 men in the group. Had he not already been accepted into this project I would only have slightly questioned this decision to limit participants. However he'd already been accepted - and had committed himself to participanting only to be shunned in this manner. I'm appalled. Isn't a quilt guilds purpose to encourage ALL it's members to take on projects for the greater good? What could possibly be the purpose in limiting those who participate? And who doesn't understanding the term VIRTUAL??

Great Family and Husband

At midnight we celebrated my 35th birthday with Frog Spit.

Yep, a little frog'll do ya.! Really quite tasty too.

Sunday, my mom, who is just the best Easter Bunny ever - rolled in my Easter basket with birthday gifts in tow.

Nice little rolling cooler with extended handle - filled with my favorite water, a chocolate/peanut butter bunny (can't completely ignore the candy), a magazine and several frogs for my collection.

There were even more frogs - plastic, and a metal wall hanger.

Then the BIRTHDAY Gifts! WOW - she spoils me, really.

I told her I really enjoyed Sterling Teas and she purchased those at Christmas for me. I have two tea pots now, but not a tea set - so she got me a tea set that's from IRELAND. I was so excited! It has 4 cups - not jut the one pictured. It's really cool and microwave safe. Mom knows I like practical. I'm thinking of taking it to work to display it where it will be safe from the furry friends. When I opened it at the family gathering several people were appalled that I'd even consider using it. I figure it's not an antique, not an heirloom and don't those things have value and meaning to us because we remember using them with our loved ones? I almost took it to a meeting I had at work today, knowing there would be 4 of us. I was really excited about a tea party. I told one of the male co-workers about my tea party plan and he wants to know if we'd get to play with dolls too. "Hrmpf". HE won't be invited now. Did I tell you that my brother is really upset about my getting a tea set?? Mom's been promising him one for years but can't decide what will be best for him. I think he'll have one by this Christmas!

Then the last gift. When mom was cleaning and sorting last year she sat my brother and I down and wanted to know which things we really wanted when she passes (she's early 60's - young for the women in our family) so we found this amusing but gave her our short list and were sent home with a few things. I'd remembered this blanket that always brought me comfort when I was playing or sick. I asked if she still had it. She dug it out and then said very protectively "It's mine - i think about giving it to you when you are 40". So here's my 35th and she's passing the blanket on to me. It's in really bad shape but so many emotions. I cried. Greg thinks I should display it on the living room quilt rack so that I can graze my hand over it when in need of comfort. I'm inclined to tuck it into a safe box as my mom did and store it until needed. I've thought of putting a new backing on it and then risking a cleaning -- but until I'm sure of what path I want to take with it, I'm letting it be.

Meet Spot:

Greg's had big things planned. He became really focused on finishing a couple of quilts a few weeks back and when he started appliqueing on names I'd never heard of - I got suspicious. He'd worked out with a co-worker to buy quilts for her twin boys to add to our Shop Hop Fund! I'm so excited - we are splitting it in two - day trips and are determined to make all 11 shops. More info about the KC shop hop?

It's my very first shop hop!

A finish!

GOT the deli-bag tote finished tonight. I really like the look of the bag but I think I can come up with some short cuts for the construction of it so I can whip them out quicker and cheaper. If not - this will just be another of my singular personal masterpieces!

PS pattern at Connecting Threads - I'm using F8's of the Sweet and Sour collection and the lining is from a new line at Wal-mart. I'd suggest going with FQ's instead as I just didn't have enought to do everything I wanted in the color choices I'd planned. Has pockets all the way aound the inside and a reinforced bottom. Very sturdy little bag. I'm not sure I used the right pellon fusible but it worked!

As always, Mobi wants her credit for helping.

April Fools on me.

After work last night I started hatching my Wicked Plans. My co-worker has had a really bad couple of weeks. She's able to bring her baby to work with her until he's 6 months old and we've got about another month left in his company. So there's a ton of baby items in her cubicle - including a Frog rug that she lays him on. I love Frogs. Have a whole collection of them. I've stated several times that I'm going to steal her frog rug sometime. SO last night I found me a co-conspirator and kidnapped the frog and left a ransom note on her desk! I made sure the conspirator would return the frog if my co-worker was in need or upset about the prank. But I got all excited and made a statement on facebook about being sneaky - never did I imagine that the co-worker would think I'd done anything to her! but she did. And this morning when she should have been searching out her Frog - there was a big meeting and the people she needed to seek out weren't available. She wasn't mad though! Mr Frog turned up anonymously later in the day. So Strike ONE. Closer to midnight - I have a friend who is really addicted to a game called YOVILLE. So much so that she has multiple characters created on both myspace and facebook. With Greg's help we created an account called YOVILLE MANAGER and sent a note that said her account was being deleted for having the multiple accounts and being in violation of the user agreement. I waited, and waited - knowing that this friend would freak out and then call me to vent. NOTHING! I was so disappointed, and then began to worry that she'd become either seriously upset or that the message never went through. So I sent a message saying that I'd gotten a similar note. She was astounded and wanted to know how anyone would know such a thing! but in my tale I made a revealing statement and she didn't buy it anymore. Turns out she was so into playing the game that she'd not stopped to check to see what the original message had said! Strike TWO! I really wanted to "get" Greg. I studied various pranks online for HOURS last night. I knew that messing with his computer would be great but likely grounds for divorce... I wish I was more technology minded. Did you know that you can take a screen shot of your desktop and then make it your wallpaper? then the person tries to click on the links and none of them work! All the directions told how to do that for Windows but Greg uses another program. Then I read about robbing your own house - wow! I was going to steal the sewing machines and the stash. can you imagine? LOL. OH, if only he'd gone to bed earlier... I fell asleep and didn't manage it. So at work while my co-worker mentioned she was going to tell her hubby that she'd been fired finally - relating back to the bad weeks she's been having, she suggested that I do the same. So I sent Greg a text saying that co-worker had been really upset over the loss of the frog (he knew I'd worried she might not take it well) and things escalated to the point that my boss felt she had no choice but to fire me since what I had done constituted THEFT. I told him a friend had picked me up and I'd see him when he got home, mentioning I was really upset and devastated about what we were going to do as I'm the primary income. NOW - he CLAIMS not to have fallen for it. But I'd been tied up with clients and co-worker said my phone rang off the hook for a while. there were also missed calls on my cell phones and he later admitted calling home - just to prove that it was a hoax. So I really think this is a draw - but he claims strike 3. I got a "nice try" out of it. We pulled one other prank together. I have a friend who called a few days ago to say the police had just left her house. She'd had a raccoon that would not let her into her home and the police had to shoot it. SO being the evil ones we are - we printed off a picture of the raccoon. Wrote a note saying "I know what you did!" and left it taped to her door. I don't think she knows it was us but she did leave a facebook message that said "thanks to the practical jokers - it made me laugh". I'd wanted to get one of those vibrating toys that activate with sound and put it in a box with a picture of the raccoon on the outside but then decided that might be pushing it too far...